Wheel of Misfortune
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: Hercules competes in Ares new gameshow, but with Callisto as a hostess and Strife as a prize model, things will get catty


Wheel Of Misfortune

By Rocket-Strife

~Legal...stuff- The characters depicted here most non-heinously don't belong to me...coz if they did I'd be one rich little chick-a-dee! But, alas, they're all Rennasianse Pictures property, and I'm just playing around with em. No copyright infringement intended.

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Callisto's eyes had very noticeabley narrowed at the small peasant sitting before her, clutching at his cow bell with clammy palms, a droplet of sweat rolling down his nose and plopping onto his promotional toga. Her eyebrow raised as she placed her left hand casually onto her hip.

"Wrong answer." Her tone was flat, emotionless, dry. The peasant whimpered.

"Can we spare the toga...?" Salmoneous' voice sounded from the rear; Callisto spun and gave him such a nasty oggle he shut his mouth and waddled further into the crowd; then without much preamble she simply fried the wailing villager to a crisp. Salmoneous looked deflated as he turned and addressed a large, toga clad man standing next to him. "Send a pigeon to Corinth. Tell them we need another crate of contestant togas, pronto!" The man nodded and was off in a flash.

"Next." Callisto muttered, picking up a question card from her little pile, sitting down on her seat and crossing her legs. A large cage of villagers all moaned simultenously, creating a delicious atmosphere of foreboding for the audience as a scabby looking, rag clad ancient greek hippie was shoved into the sunlight. Salmoneous quietly reminded him that he was screwed, which he excepted pretty well, Callisto asked her pointless trivia question, blasted him away and got a bit of crowd cheer. She stuck her nose in the air.

"Shut up!" She shrieked snottily. Salmoneous rushed to calm her.

"Calli, please! You'll ruin the ratings!"

"Rate this..." She sighed in a bored tone, and caught his nipple in a vicious grip; his wail was long and loud as she twisted it with wild abandon, beginning to giggle. Slapping at her hand, his teeth clenched, his bald head bobbed up and down in horror; suddenly the crowd gasped in awe, if theme music was going to play it would have, and Hercules made his apperance in the town square...

"Drop him Callisto!" He said heroiclly; Callisto hissed at him but oblidged; Sal struggled away, close to tears. Our hero watched him stumble off and then addressed the crowd with a haughty look. "What is going on here?"

"Wheel of misfortune!" A familiar, Strifey voice shouted from seemingly nowhere.

In a trademark shimmer of purple smoke and lens flares, Ares and Strife were suddenly standing in the crowd; Callisto crossed her arms and turned her back with a snort. The crowd cheered, Strife rushed to a large spinning wheel standing next to Callisto and did a little curtsey.

"Sorry I'm late!" He said with a wide smile, putting on his best pale, squishy, leather clad game show model pose. "It is now time for..."

"WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE!" The crowd had already screamed it before Strife could open his mouth, so he just clapped enthusiastcally. Callisto looked bored to tears. 

"Wheel of what?!" Hercules demanded, thrusting his chest out so far you would swear his nipples were connected to a pair of charging elephants. Ares looked smug; Strife had fallen to polishing his precious wheel.

"Misfortune, you ingrate!" Ares snapped. "My game show!"

"Game show?" Hercules pondered this; Ares sucked his breath in rapidly and pulled his 'I just sucked a lemon face'. 

"Game show! Weekly event! Strife spins, Callisto asks the question, peasant gets it wrong, Callisto kills them. It's a very simple process...even you could partially comprehend it!" He began pacing about, before letting fly like Mussolini from the balcony. "Merchandise! Ratings! Fan mail! These a few of my favorite things..."

"I have an action figure!" Strife piped up.

"Seriously, what century are you living in?!" Ares had started ranting once again, before rushing over to a large curtain and yanking a rope. "And that aint all...we're overlooking weekly torture hour!"

The curtian fell away to reveal a large collection of horrible looking implements; snatching up a red hot poker, he wiggled it nastily at his half brother. Strife had happily rushed over and seated himself on the rack, giggling.

"Red hot poker up the nostril!" He clapped happily. "Or would you prefer the iron maiden...ooh, ooh, or our latest one...mud crab to the left testicle! Like it, love it!"

"Oh shut up..." Callisto had stalked towards Strife, and raising her mighty little finger blasted him from his perch; he slammed into a wall covered in swords and slid down in a clatter of pointy steel. Salmoneous had reappeared, still rubbing his nipple and carrying an armful of togas.

"New stock is in!" He said excitedly, flinging a pink one Ares way. Hercules raised an eyebrow as Ares clutched disgustedly at the piece of cloth. Then it was Herc's turn to get all loud and vicious.

"Ares, how could you do this?!" He cried righteously. "This is immoral! Close it down right now!" A faint 'woo' from the contestant cage could be heard. The demi-god continued. "And you people! How could you condone watching the deaths of these innocent people?! Get out of here!"

"Hercules, dude, no need to chuck a hissy fit..." Strife suggested pointedly; Ares smirked and threw the pink toga away from him. Salmoneous looked slightly hurt.

"Get real." Ares said very dryly. "This is bringing in more worshippers than my temples, and I'm not closing it down for you. Also...it's given Callisto a whole new lease on death!"

"Kill me. Kill me now..." Muttered Callisto, hitting Strife with another fireball and sending him slamming into the wall. Strife struggled up with an extremely irritated look upon his face and made an attempt to strike her with a godly blast of his own; She deflected it with her palm and once again he soared across the torture area. Callisto then stalked towards the bickering Ares and Hercules, and standing in between them both, snarled.

"Crazy like a fox..." Ares smirked, hands on hips. Callisto rolled her eyes.

"I'm not crazy...I just don't care." She muttered; Strife was now creeping up from behind. so she gave him a mighty good kick in the balls. Salmoneous winced as Strife went down. Callisto shrugged.

"Ares, this is the last time I'm warning you...close down this 'game show', or I'll close it down for you." Hercules stared at his brother coldly. Ares grinned lopsidedly, and then gave a bit of a mockful lip wobble.

"Ohhh, no no no Hercules." Ares artistically sauntered over towards his little torture area, doing a little piroette as he wrenched a large piece off cloth off a cage...revealing Iolaus, bound, gagged and decked out in something from Aphrodite's personal wardrobe! Herc howled in his angst, Strife, quickly recovering from his testicular trauma, danced about the cage poking the Golden Hunter with a little twig...and Ares giggled. "You do as much as knock down a single pillar and Golden Boy here get's it!"

"Get's it!" Strife repeated with a smirk. Hercules fists were clinched and he did not look too happy.

"Ares!" The Demi God bellowed as Iolaus whirled about the cage in a beserk manner, shaking at the bars, his pink feather boa fluttering gracefully about his golden locks and thrusting pelvis. Strife began to maniacally giggle and fell down in a hysterical heap, Callisto even looked mildly amused, and Ares was looking as big, bad and leather clad as ever. The God of War spoke;

"Do you like it, huh?!" He jeered. "You ever wanna see your little buddy alive again?! Then, Hercules, you are our next contestant on..."

"WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE!" The crowd finished for him; Iolaus wailed. Salmoneous rushed to our hero and gave him a bit of a pep massage.

"I have faith in you Herc!" Salmoneous said supportively, before flinging a golden promotional toga into his grasp. "And just imagine the sales I'm gonna get with you wearing 'Wheel of Misfortune' merchandise! It's Herculean! Here, have an Imitation Ambrosia Smoothie!"

"Gimme!" Strife had already snatched the cup away, which had a large mosaic image of Callisto and Ares standing together picking daisies, and slurped up some of the creamy looking yellow substance; before pulling an extremely disgusted face and dumping the contents of the offensive beverage on Iolaus' head. Iolaus fell to a swoon.

"Enough!" Hercules was now wearing the garish garment, and striding foward, backhanded the sniggering Strife away from his golden hunter. Grabbing Ares roughly by the throat, his face contorted viciously as Strife snivelled away behind him. "Alright brother. You wanna play?! So let's play..."

"I'll give you play, you kinky bastard..." Ares replied stiffly. Herc's grip tightened. "I meant that in the nicest possible way..."

Hercules released his brother and turned dramatically towards Callisto, who had flung her game cards away and was cracking her knuckles in an unpleasant fashion. Strife had disregarded the wheel he was fawning over minutes ago and had happily pulled out the 'special occasions, i.e when Hercules shows up' wheel specified by his uncle, whilst Salmoneous sold bad 'Sal Souvlaki' to salivating spectators.

"What is this?" Hercules demanded, gesturing the new wheel. Ares raised a mighty eyebrow.

"This is the way we kick your ass, kick your ass, kick your ass..." Strife sung, dancing about his wheel; Ares looked so very proud of his nephew.

"Oh Strife, you just tug at my heart strings when you say that." Ares sighed contentedly; Strife grinned widely. "This, Hercules, is the game you're going to play for Golden Boy's life. Spin the wheel."

"Follow your fate." Callisto said flatly.

"The fates have a fix on me, they will play tricks on me, they deal in truths I'm too troubled to face..." Hercules mused loudly. Ares pulled an irritated face.

"Just spin the damn wheel..."

Hercules was just beginning to become emotional, but stopped his inspired speech long enough to give the game show implement a mighty spin. Round and round it whizzed, the crowd watching it with a startling resemblence to guppies at feeding time, as it gradually slowed...the marker landing on an image of a great big splat of mud. Strife suddenly burst into hysterical laughter once again.

"Great." Callisto muttered, as Ares zapped up a large pit of mud. Hercules looked confused.

"This is my challange?"

"Well, getting out of there alive is." Strife said quite pointedly; the Demi-God smiled confidently. "Did I mention that Calli is gonna be in there too?"

Herc's jaw dropped; Callisto shrieked, charged and collected Herc in a Dan Marino like tackle, and into the mud they went. Salmoneous was splattered with moistened dirt by-product, soiling his togas and covering the crowd as Callisto gouged Hercules' eyes with wild abandon. Strife zapped up some multi-colored pom poms and cheered on the combatants as the crowd leapt to their feet, the young god performing althletic little lamby leaps about the raucous pit. Ares was munching upon some pre-zapped popcorn with an enthralled look; Hercules face emerged from the pool, mud encrusted, mouth wide open in a frozen expression of horror before Callisto had slammed him back down into the sludge. It would have been almost comical if not for Callisto warming up some fireballs and wading full boar through the filth, her teeth clenched and a hand wrapped around Hercules' neck.

"You lose!" Callisto snapped, smacking him repeatedly in the nose as she prepared to blast him to smithereens; Hercules lashed out with a quick whole body covort, which sent Calli absolutely flying, the fireball going terribly askew from her flailing arm. Salmoneous gasped, Strife winced, Ares snarled, Callisto squealed...Hercules held his nerve and hurled himself clear from the burning mud.

"She's melting, melting!" Strife stated quite loudly, pulling out a marshmellow attached to a small bent twig. Ares was on his feet in a second.

"Goddesses don't melt, you little idiot!" He cried in his angst. "She's...she's...baking."

For indeed, all that remained of Callisto was a large, brown and solid figure, mouth open in a frozen shriek, arms raised above her head in a very disturbed manner. Hercules stared blankly at her for a moment, encrusted in hardened mud and his toga stained and shredded beyond repair, then spun upon Ares with a victorious fist movement.

"Evil defeated itself!" He declared. Strife scratched his head.

"Hey, I never said the mud was evil...only icky."

The fans were all murmuring gently among themselves, staring at the hardened goddess disgustedly, before beginning to shuffle away from the grand stand; Ares rushed towards them, shrieking.

"Where do you disgusting mangy peasants think you're going?!" He demanded angrily; but alas, the crowd ignored him and soon all were gone...he fell to his knees and sat dejectedly, staring dejectedly into the horizon.

"It looks as though Ares just lost all his friends!" Salmoneous suggested; Strife rolled his eyes.

"I lost better friends last time I was deloused." He wandered over to his down-trodden uncle and made an attempt to soothe his raging emotions. Ares replied to Strife's attempts with a flick to the forehead, then turned to see Hercules freeing the contestants and Iolaus, who, adjusting his bikini staggered from the cage.

"Friends for ever, hey Herc?" Iolaus said radiantly; Herc patted his little buddy lovingly, before lifting up the life size Callisto mud standee and hitching it over his shoulder; Ares raised an eyebrow questionably at his brother, his hair slightly erect from where he had head butted the ground during his emotional trauma. Herc shrugged.

"She'll make a nice hat stand..."

"Friends forever, hey Herc?" Iolaus suggested. Hercules petted him again and they wandered off into the sunset. "Friends forever, hey Herc?"

Salmoneous stared at his terribly filthied stock of summer togas, piled at his sandaled feet; Ares looked up at the heavens, he raised his hands, and he screamed;

"Oh cruel fate...why do you mock me?!" His hands waved about frantically, smacking Salmoneous into the mud with a painfully wet sounding plop. He wailed; Strife kicked at him slightly with his right foot and Salmoneous fell, wordlessly, into the mud. He lay there, sucking upon his thumb and staring vaguely, a large blob of dirt hanging off his eyelash and moving sluggishly with every blink. Ares sighed. "Come Strife. Let us plan mayhem for another day."

"Alrighty unc!" Strife said enthusiactically, and the black leather clad duo vanished, leaving Salmoneous prone in the filth, and Hercules and Iolaus happily moving off into the horizon with the fossilized Callisto. 

"Friends forever, hey Herc?" Iolaus' voice was heard, and then no more...

The End.

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End file.
